If He Had Been With Me by Laura Nowlin

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Laura Nowlin’s If He Had Been With Me is an angsty and emotional exploration of teenage relationships, unspoken feelings, and the “what ifs” that define so many formative years. While this book had its moments of authenticity and raw emotion, my experience with it was mixed, leaving me with both admiration and frustration. It’s a story that captures the intensity of youth, but it struggles to maintain a balance between its introspective themes and the overall plot.

The Good: Relatable Characters and Emotional Themes

One of the strongest elements of this book is its main character, Autumn. Her personal struggles—both with her family and her deep, unrequited love for her best friend, Finn—felt authentic and deeply relatable. As someone who once spent years pining after a guy best friend in high school, I connected with her inner monologues and struggles. The book captured the longing, heartbreak, and wistful “what if” questions that so often define teenage relationships, and it did so with an angsty atmosphere that immediately drew me in.

“I’ve loved him my whole life, and somewhere along the way, that love didn’t change but grew. It grew to fill the parts of me that I did not have when I was a child. It grew with every new longing of my body and desire until there was not a piece of me that did not love him. And when I look at him, there is no other feeling in me.”
― Laura Nowlin, If He Had Been With Me

Autumn’s voice felt real, and her introspection about love and life gave the story emotional weight. Her journey offered readers a glimpse into the complexities of teenage relationships, making her a relatable and memorable protagonist. The depiction of her feelings for Finn—a mix of love, friendship, and unspoken tension—was one of the book’s highlights, adding depth to an otherwise familiar trope.

The portrayal of Autumn’s family dynamics also stood out. The strained relationships, misunderstandings, and moments of quiet connection painted a realistic picture of a family struggling to communicate. These elements added another layer of relatability to the story, grounding it in real-life experiences.

The Not-So-Good: Uneven Pacing and a Rushed Ending

While the character development and emotional depth of the story were strong, the pacing left much to be desired. The majority of the book felt slow, with little happening to propel the plot forward. While I appreciated the focus on character introspection, it often felt like the story was spinning its wheels. Certain chapters felt repetitive, revisiting the same emotions and dilemmas without much progression. This lack of momentum made it difficult to stay fully engaged, and at times, I found myself wishing for a more dynamic narrative.

Then there’s the ending. Without giving too much away, the shocking plot twist felt rushed and disconnected from the rest of the book. It seemed more like a device for dramatic impact than a natural conclusion to the story. The abrupt shift in tone and pacing in the final chapters left me feeling unsettled, not because of the twist itself, but because of how it was executed. Instead of leaving me satisfied or contemplative, the ending left me questioning its purpose and how it fit into the grander scheme of the narrative. It felt like a missed opportunity to deliver a more meaningful resolution or to tie together the story’s themes in a cohesive way.

Exploring Themes of Love and Heartbreak

At its core, If He Had Been With Me is a story about longing—longing for love, understanding, and a different outcome. The book explores the complexities of unspoken feelings and the ways in which we often hold ourselves back from pursuing what we truly want. Autumn’s journey captures the bittersweet nature of teenage love and the pain of missed opportunities.

However, while the themes are relatable and poignant, they often felt underdeveloped. The book touches on important topics like mental health, identity, and the impact of choices, but it doesn’t delve deeply enough into any of them to leave a lasting impression. The focus remains largely on Autumn’s emotions, which, while compelling, overshadow the potential for broader thematic exploration.

Is This Book Right for You?

If He Had Been With Me will likely resonate with readers who enjoy angsty, emotional stories centered on longing and heartbreak. It’s perfect for those who value character-driven narratives over plot-heavy ones and don’t mind a bittersweet or open-ended conclusion. Fans of books like All the Bright Places or We Were Liars may find a similar appeal here.

However, readers looking for a more dynamic plot or a traditional HEA (happily ever after) may find this book frustrating. The slow pacing and uneven structure require patience, and the ending may leave some readers feeling unsatisfied. It’s a book that thrives on emotion rather than action, making it ideal for those who enjoy reflective and introspective storytelling.

Rating Breakdown:

Plot: 3/5 – The premise was relatable and intriguing, but the slow pace and rushed ending detracted from the story.

Characters: 3/5 – The main character was well-developed and relatable, but the supporting cast lacked depth.

Writing Style: 3/5 – Adequate for conveying emotions but not engaging enough to compensate for the slow pace.

Themes and Messages: 2/5 – The themes were thought-provoking initially but ultimately felt short-sighted and lacked depth.

Pacing and Structure: 2/5 – Uneven pacing and a rushed conclusion hindered the book’s impact.

Personal Enjoyment: 3/5 – While enjoyable in parts, the lack of a strong payoff diminished overall satisfaction.

Total Score: 16/30

Average Score: 2.67/5

Final Rating: 🐝🐝🐝 (3 honeybees)

Final Thoughts

If He Had Been With Me is a book that evokes a range of emotions, from the pangs of longing to the frustration of missed opportunities. While I didn’t dislike the book, I also didn’t love it. It’s not a story I’d reread, and I ultimately decided not to keep it in my collection. Still, I can appreciate its emotional honesty and the relatability of Autumn’s journey.

If you’re curious about this book or enjoy reflective, character-driven stories, it may still be worth a read. For those who prefer faster pacing and more satisfying conclusions, you might want to look elsewhere. Either way, If He Had Been With Me is a story that lingers, for better or worse.

Ultimately, this book serves as a reminder of how powerful “what if” questions can be in shaping our emotions and memories. It’s a story that doesn’t shy away from heartbreak, and for readers who crave emotional depth—even at the cost of narrative momentum—it may leave a lasting impression.

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